


Letters

by Occasionalcoffeethereturn



Category: The X-Files RPF
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-20
Updated: 2016-10-11
Packaged: 2018-05-28 01:07:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 13,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6308008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Occasionalcoffeethereturn/pseuds/Occasionalcoffeethereturn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I would still call her or write to her after she moved back to the UK..." - David Duchovny.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. October 28, 2008: Dear Gillian

**Author's Note:**

> This is completely fiction based on real people.

They told me to write.  For someone supposedly so literate it's taken me twenty minutes to write my opening line.  And it's not even any good.  I'm merely repeating an instruction.  I'm supposed to write to someone I trust; someone who trusts me.  Trusts that I'll get better.  Believes in my ability to recover.  I'm expecting a lot of you, I know.  But my instincts tell me you do believe in me.  There were times when I treated you so badly but the fact that I know I can write this to you now....  That in itself speaks volumes to me, Gillian.

27 October 1996.  You remember that date?  You may not, but I do.  Another night on set, a late shoot.  Another night where I was too tired to drive home, another night about to pass out exhausted in my trailer.  Your knock was different that night, more timid.  As if you were hoping I wouldn't hear you so you'd be able to walk away.  You wanted me to answer but part of you hoped I didn't.  Don't think I'm storytelling here, I remember every god damn last detail.  I did hear you.  What I heard was that you needed me.

You told me you were getting divorced.  I couldn't deny I hadn't seen it coming but I knew you'd talk when and if you were ready.  I could see the weight of the burden that you carried; you shoulders sagged, your head dipped more than normal.  But most of it was in your eyes.  Your eyes have such a beautiful sparkle, a mischievous twinkle and in the weeks before that night you'd lost that, a dull sheen over you.  I couldn't read you as well, our scenes took longer.  I could god damn well hear you crying between takes but I couldn't go to you.  I needed to wait for you to come to me.

I didn't want to sleep with you that night, but I knew it was what you needed.  Five words telling me you were getting a divorce and you undid the buttons on Scully's trench coat, letting it drop to the floor as you stood in the middle of my trailer. I still haven't felt that pull I felt that night to kiss you with anyone else.

I remember the deep coral pink of your breasts, the crimson colour against your white skin.  It was the first part of you I kissed that wasn't your lips.  Every part of your skin I touched unlocked a little secret to me.  Your moaning, your breathing, those little pants over a sensitive spot.  I never wanted to stop listening.  I couldn't get enough of you, I wanted to get everywhere, to own your skin, to taste your cunt and to never get rid of the scent of you.  You wanted the lights off but I needed to see you.  If this was a one time event then I needed it all that night.

You were starving, the urge you had to orgasm was so great and I lost it as I pounded inside you against your cervix.  I was the one your were hungry for.  I was the one that sated you.  I filled you: and all I could think of was when I'd get to do it again.  One night with you was never, ever going to be enough.

The hunger you felt the night you told me about your divorce is the hunger I was feeling all day, every day.  I had to come, I had to orgasm, I had to feel... Yet at the same time I was feeling nothing.  I'd only be distracted from the numbness that I felt after emptying myself by touching myself again.  I had to train myself to wait.  Sometimes I'd fall asleep, sometimes I'd just sit and think.  It wasn't always that easy; sometimes I needed more. 

I was at a party one night, one of those LA parties.  You know the ones I mean.  And admittedly I was getting more into the role of Hank than I ever should have done.  There was this model....  And I needed someone, needed to feel something more than my own hand.  I don't know what I was thinking because I knew I was straying onto one hell of a slippery slope.  She had red hair, turquoise eyes.  A little over five feet tall and she was nearly as wasted as I was.  I asked her her name, she told me she could be whoever I wanted her to be.  We ended up in a hotel room and seven hot, fast minutes later I'm fucking her ass screaming out your name.  I was careful before you ask, of course I was.

You may have not wanted to have read that.  Maybe I should have written a disclaimer in the previous paragraph, I don't know.  As fucked up as it sounds it told me something.  It told me I was still attracted to you, I don't think that ever went away and I'm not sure it ever will.  But it told me I shouldn't be with my wife anymore, because I couldn't love her the way she deserved to be loved.  I'd fucked another woman and was thinking of other woman when I used my hand.  I'll admit I spent a lot of time thinking of you.

We never really talked about what happened between us all those years ago.  I loved you, I wasn't ready for what I felt and I know I backed away without explanation.  That was so wrong of me and I am sorry.  We should have talked but we didn't, we found other things to do that didn't involve words but actions.  I hope I was what you needed post divorce, but I can't help but think I muddied waters by not being sure of what I wanted and not being ready to admit that what I really wanted more than I was offering.  

I've always believed that people can fuck each other up to a point and then goalposts change.  What they want from each other changes, silent expectations are made but there's fear over voicing them.  That was what happened with us and I should have told you, it's that simple.  Instead you somehow weirdly ended up being the girl before the girl I married. That wasn't what I wanted, that wasn't how I thought of you, that wasn't why I carried on for those few months that we had together.  

I need you to know what you mean to me.  You've always understood without asking.  Is that what comes from spending so much time with another person under such fuck awful conditions?  You always listen, you never judge.  Is it wrong to say you make me feel safe?  Because I feel safe when I'm with you, I can just be I don't have to be anything.  You're accepting of me.  And you've allowed me to stay in your life, you've kept me in your life and honestly I am so grateful.  You're in my heart, you're deep inside and I don't want you to ever leave.

Why and how did I become this addict?  Why sex?  They're helping me to understand, but why does anyone have an addiction?  It's an extension of what's considered normal that becomes an obsession, it becomes you.  It owns you.  I'm trying to want it less, and when I'm better and sex and coming feels like something I wait for, a treat, (as trite as that sounds), I'll head back to my family. I miss my kids, I do miss my wife but I worry that I'll never go back to being the person she remembers me as, the person she wants to be. I know I can't be that person anymore.  I was ill.  Now I'm getting better and it's brought that all home to me.

So why do I tell you this?  Something has happened to me here and I have clarity with one thing and one thing only.  And that, is that I need to see you more.  I want to spend more time with you and that, for the moment, is all I ask you for.  I know you'll give me that chance, so thank you.  


	2. September 17, 2011: Dear David

David, I take it this was a letter you wrote while you were in rehab?  I won't even begin to guess under what circumstances you're sending this, but I do want to respond.

First of all, I'm touched, no, I'm absolutely blown away that you chose me to write this letter to. That I am the one you trust and that you recognized my faith in you is one of the greatest compliments I've received from anyone. 

I always say 'you don't need the greatest memory to remember all the greatest memories', and our first night together I will never forget. 

It was a frigid, wet day and we were exhausted. I remember watching you all day long while we shot outside and I debated all of the different ways I could tell you I was going to leave him. I wanted to do it just right. I also wanted to tell you why, but I don't think I ever did, or needed to. When I showed up at your trailer everything I had planned to say escaped me and I was left empty. I was void of thought. Void of feeling. And then you wrapped your arms around me and told me you were "waiting for me". I never asked you what you meant by that. Were you waiting for me to tell you of my divorce because you knew? Or were you waiting for me to come to find solace in your arms? Either way, I knew you understood me. And that's all I wanted. All I needed was to be understood.

The rest was inevitable. You filled me in every way I needed. I had no void left. You understood me when I came to you then, just like I understand you as you come to me now. 

I realize you wrote this letter three years ago, but I feel it's still all the same. We never change do we, David? Going back and forth on feeling fulfilled and not understood.

I wish I could have been there to hold you the night you gave in to another woman. You know I'm not one to judge. I'm not above the things we do to feel sated in those dark moments, but in a purely selfish way I wish it could have been me to help you through the darkness you felt rather than a random woman who doesn't know you. Or love you. Plus, I owe you for doing the same for me.

This letter, now three years old, makes me wonder if your feelings have changed, but I will try to answer to it without hesitation or guard. 

The feeling that I discovered that first night, the feelings you awakened in me, have never died. Little by little the sparks have become an undying fire I feel for you. I've come to accept I'll always want you in every way, simply because it's just the way you and I are. And no, you're right, we never talked about what we felt. I believe there's a reason for that, we don't need to. We both know. We see it lingering in each other's eyes even when we stand beside our spouses. We hear it in our whispers whenever we're close enough to share them. We can taste it on each other's lips. But most of all, we feel it. We feel like we are understood, we are fulfilled and we are trusted when we're together. We both know without words what that means, David.

I appreciate you writing to me and sending it on just now. It couldn't have come at a better time. Thank you.


	3. October 7, 2011: Dear Gillian

I'm not sure the circumstances which led to you getting that letter.  Tea packed up some of my old stuff recently for the move, and I can only assume it was in an old box somewhere and she put it in the mail.  The content won't have been anything she wouldn't have figured out for herself, though I'm sure she'll have respected my privacy and not opened it to read it.

Nonetheless I'm glad you've seen it, read it, and I'm really pleased to hear from you.  I don't believe I deserve such kindness, and to this day I don't believe I deserve you.  I won't lie, your last paragraph has stuck in my head and is going round and round on loop, and with recent events I'm aware that me writing may actually come at a bad time.  

I'm so sorry about Aaron.  I know that's woefully inadequate as a phrase and I hate saying it.  Everyone says it when someone passes away.  You'd think we'd have invented something better by now.  I want to say more, but the longer I spend thinking of something to say, I still come up with nothing.  A writer with no words, what a paradox.  I wanted to call you but...  I don't know.  The longer I left it the harder it became.  And I wanted to leave you time with your family and kids.  I'm coming up with excuses and I'm not sure the purpose of them, they sound so hollow even in their truth.  They're supposed to make you feel better but they make me feel worse and nobody is a winner.

I'm not very good at this am I?  I'm sorry.  And there that phrase is again in all its woeful, pitiful inadequacy.  

I want you to know I've been thinking of you, thinking of you a lot.  Every day in fact.  I want to see you, I want to hold you in my arms, I want and need to feel you near me, if only to know that you're okay.  And I mean really okay, no ifs, ands, buts or fronts.  Just you and me.

The letter I wrote three years ago contains feelings that are a fixed entity.  I was asking then for a chance to see you more, to spend more time with you.  So three years on, I'm here and I'm asking the same thing of you. Please let me come to you, let me come and see you?  I really want to see you, but on your terms.  Name a city, give me a date.  I have no expectations of anything, just please let me come and be with you Gillian.

I'll even buy you dinner.


	4. October 24, 2011: Dear David

David, I appreciate your sympathy for our loss. There's no need to feel like your words are inadequate, just the acknowledgment is what I cherish.

As I read your words, I'll admit, I'm teary. 

To be honest, there have been nights lately where I'll lie in bed, unable to sleep and imagine your arms around me. I remember how I fit inside them and the way everything around us quieted and stopped. Nothing else really mattered when we were together, did it? That's one thing I've learned from my brother's life, live in the moment. Be present. And what I'm starting to realize is with you I always was. Whether we were at our worst or best, we were always all in. That is what I believe is really living.

You're right about one thing, whatever it is that we have, it is a fixed entity. Always there. It took me some time to realize that but I've accepted it all now. I've also accepted that I don't feel that way for anyone else, as hard as I've tried.

I'm going to be in Chicago the first week of November. I'd like to take you up on your dinner offer. Maybe we can meet up in New York on my way home from Chicago? Maybe around November 7th or 8th? Please say you'll be available then. There is a lot I need to share with you and I need to do it from inside your arms. 

I want that dinner...and I miss you.


	5. November 8, 2011: Dear Gillian

It's been fifteen minutes since I shut the front door and you left in your taxi. My lips are tingling hard from where I kissed you, they feel like they're buzzing. The hairs on the back of my neck are still stood on end. Little shivers are jolting their way down my spine. I can still smell you, fruit, sandalwood and flowers all mingling together. And I can still taste you. Did one kiss do all this to you too? Or am I just being wax lyrical about a goodbye kiss? 

It was just a kiss. But nothing I do is that simple anymore, especially not where you are concerned.

It feels strangely empty without you here. I keep wandering through my apartment, room to room without any purpose, just thinking. Just thinking about you. You didn't just breakthrough my silence... You did more than that. We listened to each other, we laughed together, we reconnected again. Gillian I felt something with you that I haven't felt for years, not with anyone else. And I felt it with you. Tell me I'm not going mad here? Am I imagining all of this?

I have a confession. I haven't slept in the same bed as someone and not had sex in about nine months. Maybe I've recovered better than I think I have, but maybe you're responsible for more than you give yourself credit for. I wanted to, don't get me wrong it wasn't that the attraction wasn't there. It was. You know it is. You know it always will be. But as much as I felt the desire to have what I wanted, the desire to wait until the time is right... It outweighed that. Thank you for letting me hold you as you fell asleep in my arms.

I feel as though I shouldn't write much more. I feel like I'm on dangerous territory here, wt risk of saying too much too soon. It's a bit like walking through a minefield being wary of explosions. I'm sure you're perhaps as wary, if not more, than I am? 

All I will say is that I can't wait to see you again.


	6. November 14, 2011: Dear David

David, you aren't alone. I left in that taxi feeling more alive than I have in years. Your kiss sending me off on a high that I still don't think I've come down from. 

The sound of wind chimes from outside your balcony window are still tinkling in my head. I'm sure their sound will now always subconsciously bring up the feeling of comfort and warmth, the way I felt as we laid together in the darkness. 

David, it took all of my control not to crawl on top of you and devour every inch of you again. God, I wanted to give in to the urge so badly. Don't worry, I know you felt the same. I could feel the struggle in your hands as you willed them to only touch the safe places on my body. Your voice strained by your desire. Your rapid breathing a product of your internal fight. So, thank you for showing me that restraint, David. I appreciate the tenderness and your willingness to just hold me. It means a lot to know now what I really mean to you. 

I never told you but I didn't sleep that night. I couldn't. I couldn't stop thinking about how I was experiencing in that dark, silent, still moment, everything I need.

I'd also come to realize everything that I don't need. 

Even if all we ever have are these quiet moments alone while we hold each other through the night, it will be enough for me. It really is easy to feel alive when I'm by your side. All you have to do is be yourself and I become my best. 

David, that's why I know I need to leave Mark. With him I could never feel so complete with so little. And shouldn't that be what it's all about? Shouldn't it be about daydreaming to chimes just because one time I heard them while I felt at home in your arms?

I can't wait to hear them again.


	7. November 20, 2011: Dear Gillian

I'm pretty stunned by your last letter.  My paper's stayed blank as I figure out what to say to you, how to respond.

I have the window near the balcony door open a crack and I can hear the twinkling of wind chimes, reminding me of you, making me think of you.  You're in my head and you're pretty hard to shake out, you know.

Leaving Mark is a huge decision to have made and one that I know you won't have taken lightly.  I can't deny I wasn't expecting it, but maybe not so soon.  I know you will have considered everything, but don't be too hasty.  Definitely take time to make your decision, sleep on it and see how it feels in the morning.  Make sure it's the right choice, the right fit.  Maybe take some more time away, just you and the kids?

Don't take that the wrong way, please.  I'm not trying to second guess you or belittle you.  I just don't want you to have any regrets about anything.  I want you to be happy, truly happy in yourself.

Know that I'll give you whatever you need.  I love hearing from you, I love our letters to one another.  There's a certain sense of romance in the distance between us, a sense of longing for one another.  I guess absence does make the heart grow fonder. 

If you need me to stop writing I will.  I'm sure you won't, but I don't want you to feel obligated to me in any way, I don't want you to feel like you have to talk to me.  But know that I'm here, day and night.  Know that there's no one else.  Know that I will wait for you.  Know that as you read this I'm missing you, thinking of you.  I'm actually crazy about you.


	8. December 14, 2011: Dear Gillian

I can't sleep.

I know I said I'd give you time and space, but it's turning out to be one of those promises that is more easily said than kept.

I miss you.

I miss hearing from you.

I miss writing back to you.

Did I mention I miss you?

I know you're making some pretty big and potentially life changing decisions at the moment, and I don't want to interrupt that process. But at the same time, it's Christmas.  I'm surrounded by people I and people who love me, but someone is missing.

You're missing.

Just let me know you're okay.  

Merry Christmas sweetheart

I'll leave what I really want to say unsaid, as I'm sure you can feel it in my words as you read them.  I can feel it as I write them.  Three words Gillian.  Three.  Words.  One day I might tell you what they are.


	9. December 22, 2011: Dear David

My god sweetie, I only just realized how long I've left you waiting for a reply. I'm hoping this letter gets to you in time for Christmas, but I'm pretty sure it won't. I'm sorry. I wish it wasn't the only way we were connecting this holiday.

I wanted to be sure that the next time I see you I'd be free to feel whatever I feel and completely unguarded for you. And now I'm sure. 

I'm going to be open with you…it was easy to make the decision to leave but much harder to execute. I mean, I love him. I love him as the father of two of my beautiful children and as my friend. It's hard to find the courage to let that go. That's why I haven't written back to you. I'm sorry to keep you waiting. I just wanted to be ready and in the right frame of mind.

I want to see you so badly, and I've promised myself that I won't worry about the future, or dwell on the past. I just want to be in the moment with you again. I'm hoping you feel the same. Let's enjoy each other in the simplest way we can, without letting all our thoughts get in the way.

David, can I see you again? I'm ready.


	10. January 15, 2012: Dear Gillian

I didn't want you to leave in the way that you did, but I can't blame you for going.  You could have woken me before you left...  I wouldn't have minded, you know that.  But I know you had an early flight.  

You're going to think it's insane that a former sex addict couldn't get it up for a woman he's supposedly mad about.  You'll be wondering about what you've done wrong and the answer is absolutely nothing.  I really hope you'll hear me out and let me explain some things.

Gillian I'm sorry.  I don't want you to ever think I don't find you attractive.  I want you so so badly, I do.  I know you were disappointed and I know I upset you with what happened.  You were so beautiful straddling me in my bed, kissing me, but nothing happened when you touched me.  I resented my own body so much in that moment.  I just couldn't get hard for you; I had to tell you to stop touching me and move your hand away.  I wanted to touch you too, but the spell was broken, and I hated that I couldn't make you come the way I wanted to.  I also hated that after what happened, kissing you was different.  I felt like I ruined everything.  I can only hope that I haven't.

I could see in your eyes how much you wanted me and I never want you to feel like you should hide that from me.  I love that you want me that much, that you're not afraid to show me what you need. 

I didn't understand what happened myself until I had a chance to think about it.  I wondered if something was medically wrong, but there's nothing.  It's never happened to me before.  I'll be honest, I was so anxious about seeing you this weekend.  I tried not to have expectations of our time together.  Like you said - I tried not to let my thoughts get in the way of us just being together, but in the end they did.  I was thinking and worrying too much and anxiety certainly isn't an aphrodisiac.

I'm not ready to sleep with you, because I don't JUST want to have sex with you.  And that thought in itself fucking terrifies me.  I want more than that with you.  I want sex but I want to hold you afterwards, snuggle down under the covers and wake up with you next to me.  I want to bring you coffee and breakfast in bed, then read the newspaper with you.  I want to give you a shoulder rub without wanting anything in return.  I want you in my bed just to fall asleep next to me.

For the first time in as long as I can remember I want to wait, because the right time is worth waiting for.  I don't want to sound like some frigid teenage girl here, I'm just trying to be open with you.  I don't want to have secrets from you.

I really hope you can begin to understand me Gillian.  Please let me see you again soon.  I'd really like that. 


	11. January 21, 2012: Dear David

David, I won't lie because you know me too well. I was disappointed. I needed you so badly. I still do. It's been a long few months for me and even though just being with you for a weekend like we were is extremely fulfilling, I do want that connection with you.

I'm also worried the state of our friendship, or relationship - whatever this is. I mean, even at our worst, sexual chemistry was something we had. It was always our constant. When we didn't have the words, good or bad, sex was something we had. If we don't have that…what do we have? I'm worried, David.

But it's not any fault of yours. This is a shared problem. Maybe I've given you the wrong idea. Maybe I've implied that there is more riding on this than I've intended. I'm not expecting commitment or stability. Just your friendship. What we've always had. No strings. No pressure. Just you and me in the most simple form.

Anyway, seeing you again was great and I look forward to the next time.

xx  
G.


	12. January 30, 2012: Dear Diary

It's been ages since I've written in this journal. I usually save it for those moments I know my terrible memory might lead me to forget that I desperately hope to remember. I hadn't had one in ages. Until two nights ago.

I'd just settled with my tea and book. It was nearly ten and I knew I'd have a hard time sleeping. Sometimes the quiet house does that to me. Especially those weekends when the boys are with Mark. It's like the silence has no outlet and it just collects all day and keeps me up all night.

I took a seat by the window and found my page. I hadn't even taken a sip before I heard the loud knock at the front door. I wasn't expecting anyone. Especially not at that hour. I noticed the shadow through the stained glass. It was a man. It was him. 

David.

It was one of those moments you see in movies. The man standing at the door in the rain, looking as though he was made of half defeat, half desire. He didn't say anything when I opened it.

I asked him what he was doing here and why didn't he tell me he was coming. He didn't answer.

I took him inside and he grabbed me and pinned me against the back of my front door. His eyes burned into mine as I looked helplessly for an answer. 

"David, what a-" I repeated in a whisper as his eyes stared down my lips as they moved.

"You don't think I want you?" I barely heard him just inches away. My stomach did a hard somersault and then his lips pounded mine. He held my body with his against the wooden door, my head pressed against the glass pane under the pressure of his mouth. I was completely under his control.

I could do nothing else but surrender to him as he pressed himself against me, hot, hard and ready through all our layers of clothing. 

He rammed his body into me, our panting breaths echoing throughout the whole house.

"Don't…you…" He pinned my hands above my head. "Ever think…" He took the skin of my neck between his teeth, bit down and then moved up to my ear. "…I don't want you."

He thrusted hard against me, his jeans and my cotton pyjamas separating his hard cock from my stomach. 

"Feel that?" He grabbed my hand and put it against the buldge in his jeans. "That's you. All you, Gillian. I could pin your body up on this fucking wooden door with my cock I'm so hard for you."

I moved my hand inside his jeans to find him exactly as I remembered from the days when we used to fuck between takes in the utility closets on the lot. Throbbing. Ready. Hot. It was the same man, but I needed him so much more.

Our clothes were shed quickly, articles piling at our feet. He lifted my body at my ass as I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck taking in the scent of sweat wetting behind his ears. 

His fingers dug into my ass cheeks, separating them roughly, making me scream from the pleasure in the pain. He positioned himself perfectly at my dripping cunt, teasing me as I tried to thrust onto him.

"What am I doing here?" He repeated my earlier question, his voice full of sex in my ear. "I'm showing you something." He entered me painstakingly slowly, all I could do was remember to breathe to keep myself from passing out from the urgency I had to be thoroughly fucked. 

"I'm showing you…" he pushed himself as far into me as he could, held himself there until we both took in a deep breath and then started to ram himself hard and fast into me. "…sexual chemistry. Don't you ever fucking think we won't have this." I could feel the door's window frame making hard indents in my spine as he pounded my body roughly with his. 

My only goal was to consume him. Take him all in. The years of being apart and leading to this frantic release. It couldn't have been more satisfying. He was dominating and fully in control. My body happily giving in to him, my mind in complete ecstacy with the man who I have the most deep, unspoken love for. Both dirty and pure. He was right, it was the most raw display of sexual chemistry.

When we came, we came hard together. I slid down his body as his arms gave way to the weakness of pleasure and my legs lost feeling. Like our clothes, our bodies ended up a heap on the floor. His over mine, still propped against the door. 

"I hope you don't mind me coming out here. I had to show you how bad I want…" his voice trailed off. He was still taking quick breaths into my hair.

I shook my head as my own panting started to shallow.

"…it all," he finally added with a whisper. "I want it all." 

I smiled up at him. I knew in that moment that we had it. 

We have it all.


	13. February 10, 2012: To Gillian

To: Gillian  
From: David  
February 10th 2012 7:05am EST

Never let it be said that I'm not a modern man who can't use emails. Here I am.

I still can't quite believe I did what I did last weekend. It was quite out of character for me to just up sticks and get on a plane, but I'm so glad I did. I need to let go and be more impulsive in some aspects of my life. Rely on my feelings and instincts more. I am trying to do that, but it's a gradual process as I'm sure you'll appreciate. No regrets is what we both said we'd do and I'm trying to stick with that, have it as my motto.

I feel now, Gillian, that we're closer to each other than we've ever been. And that excites me, terrifies me and arouses me all at once. Mainly the latter at the moment, if I'm honest.

I just can't stop thinking about you. 

Don't get me wrong I'm not complaining. These lines aren't getting learned quickly though I have to say. 

Did I tell you I got the apartment on the upper west side? It'll be a few months before I move in but everything's been approved. New chapters keep on opening up for me and it's a good feeling. I never thought I'd be quite where I am at 51 years of age but it just goes to show you things don't always change for the worst. They sometimes very much change for the better.

I've even taken up playing the guitar. New place, new guitar. It's not so much a mid life crisis, it's a new beginning for me. You're part of that new beginning, you've allowed me to believe that I can have that and move forward with my life. And I'm so glad I get to have you with me on the next part of my journey.

Maybe one day I'll play you a song.

Tell me when I can see you again?

xx


	14. March 1, 2012: To David

To: David  
From: Gillian  
March 1st 2012 10:11am GMT

 

Hey sweetie, I'm not yet used to checking my emails on a consistent basis. I guess if this is the route we're going to go then I should get on that. I was still waiting for a letter from you after you showed up that weekend.

You've been on my mind. I've been hoping you're okay. I know you have a lot going on with finding a new place. I can't wait to come see it…and you...christen it, perhaps? ;) 

We're settled in our new house now. It will probably take a little bit of time to make it "home" but I'm sure that's to be expected. I'm trying to make the transition as easy on the kids as possible so we've been spending a lot of time finding things to decorate their rooms just the way they want them.

I'm hoping I can see you soon. Maybe I'll have to surprise you by showing up on your doorstep? Either way, you better be prepared to serenade me wearing nothing but an acoustic guitar and a smile. Sounds like a sexy midlife crisis to me! Mmm…now I'm thinking about you naked so I've gotta go. ;)

xxx  
G.


	15. March 12, 2012: To Gillian

To: Gillian  
From: David  
March 12th 2012 7:16am EST

 

Hey baby, I'm sorry it's taken me a little while to respond.  I figured emails were quicker than letters and easier for us to do 'on the move.'  

Speaking of being on the move, sadly your Christening of my new place may be further away than I'd have hoped; I have to get board approval and the whole thing could take several months.  They turned down Mariah Carey apparently.  Not sure what that says about my chances!?  Don't answer that.

But it doesn't mean I'm not daydreaming of exactly what I'll do to you on the hammock I intend to put on my private terrace...

You know you can come see me anytime, I'd love that.  When's your new show start shooting in Belfast?  Maybe before then and before I head back to LA?  Would that work?  Because I miss you. 

I'm glad you and the kids are feeling more settled now, and I hope you're still happy because it'll reflect in them you know?  Things are working out okay here, better than I expected actually.  I'm happier and I think the kids are too.    
I've written you a song.  I must have it bad.  Book a flight here Gillian and I'll play it to you, I'll dig out my birthday suit especially.

 

xxx


	16. March 13, 2012: To David

To: David  
From: Gillian  
March 13th 2012 8:43pm GMT

 

Mulder, it's me.

(I just always wanted to say that.)

It's becoming one of my most favourite things to sit down after a long day, with a cup of tea and read an email from you. I can't tell you how happy I get when I see a new one in my inbox. :)

I'm sorry you won't be getting your apartment as quickly as you'd hoped. I know you're eager to have that fresh start. Don't worry, Mariah Carey ain't got shit on you, babe. Have you seen your ass? Because I'm betting that's what these boards base their approval on. If it was my building I'd approve your sexy ass and move you in so fast…hold on…are we still talking about an apartment? ;)

Annnyway, I start filming in Belfast soon so let me know as soon as you get in and get your hammock up. I don't think I've ever had sex in one. Seems kind of dangerous…I like it!! 

I can't wait to hear the song you wrote for me. Can you record it so I can play it on a loop? 

Sometimes I'm convinced I'm the luckiest woman alive. Thank you for making me feel that way. I can't wait to be in your arms again.

I'll be seeing you soon, sweetie.

xxx  
Scullbags


	17. March 24, 2012: ConTEXTual Texts

I'm doing that thing you do when you eat chocolate. It's a really annoying habit and I got it from you.

_What thing do I do when I eat chocolate?_

You break off a piece and suck it, you don't chew it and you do a cute little thing with your mouth.

_David it's 10am there. Why are you eating chocolate?_

You left it here. I had breakfast at 6!

_So it's my chocolate? You're eating my chocolate._

In my apartment. Come on babe we share everything now.

_Shut up. You better buy me more chocolate before my next visit._

I'll replace it today I promise. Just enjoy the fact that right now I am enjoying myself. Take pleasure in my enjoyment.

_Shut. Up. All I have is a cup of tea._

Normal tea or pond water?

_If by pond water you mean green tea then pond water. Pond water with mint actually._

I think I just vomited in my mouth.

_Eat more chocolate you'll feel better._

Thanks babe I will.

_It's all gone isn't it?_

Well.... Yeah ok. You got me it is. I'm sorry. I wish you were here to share it with.

_You're not helping._

I'm sorry.  
I'm still thinking about your mouth actually. That's why I text you in the first place.

_What about my mouth?_

You have really soft lips. I really miss kissing them.

_They miss kissing you._

Eight more days.

_You're counting, that's adorable._

189 hours and 37 minutes.

_You did not just work that out. You're such a sap._

I'm nothing of the sort.  
You should see the wood I have just texting you, thinking about your mouth.

_I wouldn't just like to see that wood I'd like to grind on it._

Babe... Oh god you have no idea how hard I am for you.

_Oh I can hazard a guess._

How about you?

_What about me?_

Are you wet?

_Wouldn't you like to know._

Gilliannnn  
You tease  
Babe... You still there?

_David, I just came really hard thinking of you. 188 hours 55 minutes._


	18. April 7, 2012: Dear Diary

I feel like a giddy teenage girl. I can't believe I'm having to write in a diary again but I've been so distracted this week I figured it was the only way to help get him out of my system. Not that I want to get him out of my system but Jesus. Yesterday I stewed four cups of tea whilst I lost myself thinking about him, I've stepped on countless pieces of lego when I've not looked where I was going and the number of times the fire alarm has gone off because I've burned the toast... I've lost count. 

I can't stop thinking about him ❤️

I flew over to see him before I was due to start working in Belfast. He's still at his old apartment and I could feel the chill from the snowy air rattling the windows. His fingers laced through mine the second I got through his front door and my suitcase fell to the floor with a thud. His arm was round my waist pulling me against him and his lips were on mine, tongue pushing for its entrance as his other hand weaved itself lower to palm my ass.

We greeted each other hello between breathless kisses, his lips reaching my forehead, my eyes, my nose, along my jawline. He made me smile so much I ended up in a fit of giggles and that drove him to kiss me all the more.

"It's been a long time without you."

Those were his words as he looked down at me in his hallway, my face tingling from all his kisses, my heart pounding in my chest and ringing in my ears.

It had been a long time, or at least I feel like both of us felt like it was. 

Sometimes David can be adorable and.... Well. It makes me bury my head in my hands because my smile is just ridiculously huge. He kept trying to offer me coffee, water, food... I just wanted him.

All. Him.

I kept shaking my head against his mouth as he kept trying to talk, his non sensical mumbling driving my slowly insane.

"David. Take me to bed."

That sure as hell shut him up and made him get to work. He peeled my clothes off, kissing my skin as he exposed it to the cool air of his room. I was wet in anticipation of being with him again and I couldn't help it as my hand drifted down my own body in search of some release.

He stopped completely as he saw what I was about to do.

"I wanna watch."

I was suddenly shy, biting my lip and my hand stopped it's journey.

"Touch yourself."

His voice was gravelly, rough. Raw. The need for him to watch me was evident in his eyes and I was struggling to deny him what he wanted. My finger found my clit and slid easily up and down, and he knelt next to me on the bed, his head resting against my knee whilst he watched my fingers. I stroked up and down and massaged small circles as his hands spread my legs further and his teeth nipped at my inner thighs.

It was so intimate, what he'd asked me to do, him watching my hand so close up, memorising the movements of my fingers. It wouldn't be long for me and he stilled my wrist with his hand, moving it away. He watched me, his eyes on mine as his tongue set to replicate what my fingers had done. 

Now it was my turn to watch him imitate me, my hands behind my head to give me a better view. He was lapping at me like a starved man, his hands massaging my inner thighs as his fingers made their way inside me. He changed his pace, sensing my need and thrusting his hand inside me as he sucked and pulled, swirling his tongue around.

No one makes me come quite like he does. There's just no substitute for someone knowing you and knowing your body like we know each other's.

He allowed me to rest, brought me a glass of water and the chocolate he owed me, erection still evident as he stumbled around the room.

Sucking on chocolate rather than biting it may be an annoying habit, but it makes it one hell of a joy to share if you pass it between mouths. It was my turn to pleasure him now, ridding him of his shirt and unbuttoning his fly. Nothing is more satisfying than the metal clang of a belt hitting the floor and the shuffle of feet stepping out of pants.

Especially when those pants belong to David.

I heard him swallow hard as I stood in front of him. He grasped my hips gently, his head tilted in a silent question as his erection filled the space between us. I nodded and he turned me around, kneeling on the bed and putting my weight forward on my elbows. He nudged my knees apart with his and I bent lower. I'm not sure who likes this position more, David or I but I knew he'd make me come again and felt unsteady with the anticipation.

His hand palmed my ass, sweeping around over my waist and coming to rest on my clit. I felt the bed move as he climbed on behind me, his other hand guiding him to my entrance before steadying itself on my hip.

He held on tightly, his fingers biting into me and I knew they'd leave marks. I welcomed it. I wanted it. I needed it. His thrusts were deep as he moved me back and forth over his length, seeking his release but knowing I'd reached mine. God it was good. How had I ever thought I could have this with anyone else? 

I came without him really having to touch me. He lasted longer, and I was able to enjoy the feel of him without the anxiety of much needed release.

As we lay next to each other on top of the bed covers I watched him doze off, curling up close next to him to drift off myself and wondering when he'd be ready again.

I had no regrets and no worries and wanted to hold onto that moment forever.


	19. April 25, 2012: ConTEXTual Texts

I miss you. You haven't emailed me in a while. You're really very pretty and you should know that.

_David. Are you drunk?_

I'm at a party and have been drinking. Wouldn't say I was drunk though. How are you, baby?

_I'm fine. David I saw pictures of you and Tea at the beach._

I didn't fuck her if that's what you're asking.

_I wasn't, but way to make a girl feel special._

You are a very good fuck. The best. It's all I think about.

_I'm glad all I am is a good fuck to you._

No no I didn't mean that. You're the best fuck ever. But not just that. Babe don't be mad at me.

_David I'm trying not to get pissed off right now._

Babe don't be pissed. Please don't get pissed at me. You know you're so much more than just sex.

_But I mean, I saw you and Tea in a picture together. Now you're drunk and referring to me as a "fuck"._

Me and Tea are over. Finished. Done. We were with the kids at the beach that was all. I didn't mean that, what I said got twisted. I'm sorry.

_Maybe we should talk about this later._

I'm sorry I'm drunk but I don't want you to go.

_David it is 7am here I have to get the kids ready for school._

I text because I miss you and I wanted to tell you that. That and you're very pretty. The prettiest.

_Oh Jesus David...._

All through this thing we've had together I've been trying so hard to prove to you that I am not just in this for sex.

_Whatever._

You don't wanna hear that? Fine. You don't want that? That's fine too.

_Okay..._

Because if this is just sex to you then I am not interested. You know I want more than that from this.

_Wow David. You need to settle the fuck down and message me when you're sober._

I'm not that drunk. I'm not drunk enough to not know what I want.

_I won't talk about this when you're drunk._

Fine. We'll talk about it later than shall we? Shall I check in with your assistant when you might be free to take my call?

_David. I'll speak to you later. Enjoy your party._


	20. April 27, 2012: To Gillian

To: Gillian  
From: David  
April 27th 2012 10:23am GMT

 

I'm sorry about last night. I should know better than to drink and dial, or in this case drink and text. You should know that I meant what I said last night. If this is just sex to you... I just can't do that anymore. I need more than that from you.

I know we've not discussed exclusivity but I can assure you I'm not sleeping with anyone else. I don't want anyone else. I don't need them. I don't know if things feel the same for you? 

I want to be with you, to see where whatever this thing we have together takes us. I want us to be exclusive, even if we're not... Otherwise defined. We don't need a label, you know that as well as I do.

Tea and I took the kids to the beach. As friends, that was all. You know we're still on good terms, as are you and Mark. She asked about you actually. She's smart enough to have figured out something was going on, even if she didn't admit quite how far back she knew about things. I don't want to tell her, the past is the past and its there so we learn from it. I'm trying to learn from mine and be more honest with what I want, what I need.

What I need... Is you. Just you and whatever else that brings.

I hope to hear from you soon but I know and appreciate you're busy.

D  
Xxx


	21. May 3, 2012: To David

To: David  
From: Gillian  
May 3rd 2012 09:29am

 

No need to apologize David.

I guess the pressure of hoping you're feeling the same was getting to me, and then to be referred to as a "fuck" kind of felt too raw. But I know you didn't mean it how it came across. 

I'm glad you're not planning on sleeping with anyone else and only being with me. I want you to know its the same for me. Being with you on has brought happiness to my days lately and I feel no desire to be with anyone else at this point. 

I do need to tell you though, I did go on a couple of dates with someone at the end of last year. It was when Mark and I were on the way out and you and I weren't yet…intimate. I think I was just looking for something mindless to help sedate me from the reality of my failed relationship with Mark and my longing for you. I mean, I was scared of my feelings for you. I still am at times. But those dates were a mistake and I have learned falling into bed with some random man isn't the answer to any problem.

Right now, I think we've got a good thing. And even though our visits are few and far between, they're always worth the wait. 

Just maybe think next time before you drink and dial?

xxx  
Gillian


	22. May 9, 2012: To Gillian

To: Gillian  
From: David  
May 9th 2012 11:32 PST

 

Hey sweetheart. How are you? I hope things are going well for you in Belfast. From what you tell me it sounds like an exciting project. 

I feel a little... Lost at the moment. I think LA can do that to you. I don't exactly know how to explain it. I just feel more settled and more like myself when I'm in New York. Maybe there are too many ghosts here, maybe it's because New York is home and LA just isn't anymore. All I know is something doesn't feel quite right. 

I want to thank you for being honest with me, even if it's with things that might not be easy for me to hear. I don't want you to feel like you have to hold things back from me, don't feel like anything is too much. I know that's easier for me to say and less easy for you to do. But never feel scared of talking to me.

I think I can identify with what you said, sometimes you do need to be with someone else, have a mindless and purely physical connection to make you stop thinking. I think our brains can be similar in some ways; they both never stop. Random nights with random people don't achieve much though, for me it made me forget momentarily then I had added guilt to contend with afterwards. Talk about being in a vicious circle.

I really hope I can see you soon, but filming here seems to be taking its sweet time. If you fancy a snatched weekend of sun with me then give me a call. Bring that black string bikini and I'll even rub lotion on your back. I will warn you I'll be untying the strings to do that ;)

Speak soon.

David xxx


	23. May 15, 2012: To David

To: David  
From: Gillian  
May 15 2012 07:24am

Thank you David, for being so gracious with me. I was worried about sharing with you that I'd been with that man, even though it was before you and I had been intimate again. I guess I feel like since I left Mark I've been gunning for whatever it is we have.

I hope you can start to feel at home where you are. I know the feeling of not feeling settled. It's difficult to be away from your kids and your "home" for any long period of time, but I'm hoping you can find some sort of comfort.

The closest I feel to home when I'm in the states is when I'm with you. Which quite interesting because I did live there for so much of my life and my family is still there. But the feeling I get when I'm with you, it's beyond the comfort I feel anywhere else with anyone else…it's like being home. I can just be myself and I know you appreciate me for just being me…that means a lot.

I have been thinking of you a lot lately, at night I go to bed and think about what you're doing with the time difference, being in the midst of your day. We really are a world apart and just knowing that makes me ache for you even more. 

I can't wait to visit you. To have you hold me outside in the California sun. Go skinny dipping. Have a little fun in the ocean. I'll be dreaming of it until I'm there.

xxx  
Gillian


	24. May 18, 2012: To Gillian

From: David  
To: Gillian  
18th May 2012, 08:01am PST

Sweetheart. I ache for you. I'm finding it hard to put into words just how your email made me feel. I've read it over and over again and have the biggest smile on my face.

And that's all because of you.

Do you have any idea what you do to me? Just how happy you make me? I hope you do. I don't want you to think I'm saying your words back to you because it's what you want to hear, it's because I mean them. You're the only one who sees me for who I am, accepts me and still wants to be with me. Every day I'm thankful I have this chance with you and to hear you feel the way I do blows my mind.

Know that I feel at home too, only when I'm with you.

You are what I think about last thing at night and first thing in the morning. I even set up my phone so I can check what time it is in London and guess at what you're up to. I imagine you a lot curled up on the sofa with your feet underneath you, those glasses you don't need perched on your nose, a book in one hand and tea on the side. It's thoughts like that - they get me through a long day sometimes.

I dream about you, some days I wake up rock hard for you and have to find my release by imagining I'm inside you.

I've been thinking about you coming to California. Us on a deserted beach, moonlight illuminating the shore. My fingers undoing the knots in your bikini straps and then racing you to the ocean. I'm going make you see stars and I don't just mean in the sky.

Give me a date and I'll book you a flight. 

Yours,  
David   
Xxx

Ps. I really really like you.


	25. June 5, 2012: Dear Diary

The flight to LA was a blur and I cursed myself for not sleeping causing me to arrive at David's beach home with heavy eyelids and aching limbs. I'd been up for over twenty-four hours with the time difference and I could feel my brain beginning to shut down.

He greeted me at the door wearing his bathing suit shorts, a baseball cap and a smile. 

"Oh baby, you look exhausted," he pointed out which didn't make me feel any more lively.

"Ugh, I am. I should've slept on the plane, but you know me."

He pulled me into his arms and I fell against him, relaxing for the first time since I'd left London. 

"I'm barbecuing dinner, and I was thinking we could take a swim until it's ready, but I'd understand if you're too tired."

"Yeah, it sounds wonderful, but I'm just so fucking exhausted. I don't need to sleep, just maybe just sit and relax for a bit."

"Come on," he said, guiding me to his bedroom. "How about you have a quick nap while I cook and I'll wake you for dinner?"

I didn't want to sleep. I just wanted to be with him and savor what little time we had to share. But I knew if I didn't recharge I'd be even more useless later. 

I crawled under the blankets he held open to me and he tucked me in, smoothing my hair and kissing me just long enough to make my desire stir.

"Try to sleep, I'll be back in a few," he said as I watched him walk away and close the door behind him.

I awoke to a tapping and weight against my stomach. My eyes opened to darkness and his arm around my waist. I rolled under it to find him, peacefully asleep. The leaves of a palm tree flitted in the wind against the window, a sound he was probably accustomed to. 

His cheek was pressed against his hand, propped up right beside my head like he'd fallen asleep watching me. His breaths were slow and deep and I assumed he'd probably been sleeping awhile. I peered over to the clock on his bedside table. 1:44am. It'd be morning in London and I'd had a full night's sleep. 

I reached to him and grazed his forehead with my fingertips. I'd be damned if I let tonight pass by without taking him in. His face reflected a peaceful sleep, his mouth curled slightly into a faint smile, some lines in his forehead deepened against the angle of his hand. I ran my fingers back to his hair, lightly stroking his scalp. I wasn't sure if I wanted to wake him or I wanted to soak him in steal the moment just for myself.

But his eyes slowly opened as I caressed his cheek with my palm. He smiled. 

"Hey," I whispered. 

"Hey sleepy head," he said.

"You didn't wake me for dinner."

"I tried. You weren't having it. You don't remember?"

I shook my head. "I'm sorry. Some houseguest I am," I whispered.

"No. Don't be sorry. You needed it."

I leaned in and met his lips to mine and he pulled my body into him with the arm he still had around my waist. 

Our kiss was deep and grew frantic quickly, the result of so much time apart. Our bodies rocked gently against each other as my hand ran from his hair, over his shoulders and down his back, massaging the hard muscles along the way. 

I could feel his erection against my leg and I pressed into him, giving him an outlet to feel relief. He grinded against me while his hands reached below the blanket and underneath my shirt. He pressed against my breast over my bra and squeezed, giving each breast a maddening, delicate massage. 

I rubbed my way down his body, stopping at the band of his boxers and feeling on top of their cotton what they did nothing to hide. He was rock hard for me, already moaning as my hand put pressure over his underwear. It'd been so long since we'd been touched and it was clear we were both desperate.

His fingers slipped their way around my back to unclasp my bra and wasted no time finding my nipples and pinching and kneading, making me ache to feel him inside me.

Our mouths could barely connect for needing to breathe as we both gasped for air into each other. 

He reached to the fly of my jeans and quickly unzipped, helping me shimmy them down my legs until I could kick them off. He rubbed overtop of my underwear and I bucked into his hand, begging for more. 

I climbed over him and used both hands to run down each side of his torso, underneath the band of his boxers and clearing them from his body as my hands continued down his legs. 

I looked back toward him after discarding the garment and set my eyes on his enlarged cock, begging for attention. His hands moved in frenzied strokes all over my body as I kissed my way to his erection. I grabbed it by the base, and licked the circumference, admiring his girth. I ran my tongue all the way up the underside and kissed the head, not quite ready to give him what he wanted. I held him hard, squeezing and releasing and then cupping his balls filling my palms with them while I continued tasting his length. 

"Fuck," he hissed as he pumped his hips toward my mouth. I knew what he needed and enough was enough.

I fit my lips around him and let him enter my mouth slowly, bit by bit until I could take him no further. I waited until I could hear his grunts stop and then I moved him in and out of my mouth, sucking, blowing and squeezing.

His hands on my head, holding back my hair, guiding my strokes and cupping my face.

"Okay…" he managed, and I knew he was close.

I rolled beside him, and he slipped a finger beneath my underwear, guiding them down my legs until I could rid of them.

He buried his fingers inside me, curling them upward and vibrating them wildly causing me to shake. 

"Babe," I pleaded, trying to hold back my orgasm. "I need you inside me."

That's all he needed to hear and he was climbing over me, positioning himself between my legs as I widened to let his large body in. He grabbed himself and rubbed against me for only a moment before I felt him starting to make his way inside. I held my breath as he entered me, stretching and filling me in a way I only wanted from him now. I dug my nails into the skin on his back and let out a high-pitched moan until he was disappeared all the way within me. Still. Unmoving. He pushed himself up on his arms to meet my eyes and smiled, giving me satisfaction in every way I needed. I smiled back and he kissed my nose, making my heart swell for only a second before he started to move within me. Slow at first and then picking up speed, desperate for release. As good as it felt, all I could think about was coming to him. Showing him how good he makes me feel.

I clenched a kegel and he groaned in response. So, I did it again, each time making him lose himself more than the next. I could feel him hitting my cervix, and I knew I wouldn't be able to hold on much longer, combination of pain and pleasure sending me closer to the edge. 

He pounded harder, faster, his thrusts growing erratic as he groaned and panted. I squeezed him hard inside me one more time and I could see him beginning to unravel and that's all it took to bring me to the beginning of the end as my orgasm approached.

He kissed my neck in a mixture of licks and bites and then let his eyes met mine again. 

"Oh baby..." he panted in almost a scream. "Feels so fucking good."

He groaned and held his eyes on mine and then said, "Oh god...I love you...oh…fuck."

I searched his eyes for some kind of explanation or clue as to whether or not he was aware of the words that just left his mouth, but there was nothing. He was coming. Spilling into me with his eyes now squeezed closed. 'Oh fuck', did he say that because words he didn't mean to say escaped him or because he was about to come? I tried to refocus on my own orgasm instead of what he just said but as I watched him losing himself inside me, his words repeated over in my head. I love you. I love you. I. Love. You. And then I was coming. Thrusting myself into him, pulling him down hard into me with my heels around his back, taking him inside me as much as I could take another while the phrase in his voice echoed through my brain. 

He collapsed on me and I played with the short hairs on the back of his neck while he hummed into the nape of my neck. I stared at his ceiling and the plain white crown molding lining the edges while I tried to pinpoint the song he was reciting. 

"What are you humming?" I eventually asked him. 

"'High Flying Bird' by Elton John. Do you know it?"

"I'm not sure," I whispered into his hair.

"It…makes me think of you. Maybe I'll play it for you tomorrow."

"I'd like that," I said. 

Then he lifted himself from on top of me to lay beside me again. He propped his pillow beneath my armpit and nestled his face against the underside my breast, his eyelashes tickling the skin on my ribcage. I stroked his hair, brushing away the sweat droplets at his hairline and moving it to stand up in messy spikes. His breathing grew spaced and deep and I knew he was falling to sleep. I tried closing my eyes, willing myself to join him but it was no use. The palm tree tapped at the window again as his words played endlessly inside my head. How could I sleep when I was overcome with the thought that maybe David does love me?


	26. June 17, 2012: To Gillian

To: Gillian  
From: David  
June 17th 2012, 8:16am

Good evening sweetheart. I hope you've had a great day. I woke up thinking of you again this morning... Is it weird that it's becoming the norm? I'm not complaining. Puts a smile on my face. I'm still thinking about our last weekend together.... That early morning swim we had... I told you I was going undo those bikini strings of yours. ;) In case I didn't tell you enough at the time, you're beautiful.

A little while ago I was feeling a bit lost in LA. I think I told you, I'm not sure. Anyway having you around with me, even for as short time as it was, erased all of that. I think just having you here made me relax and be myself. I've felt better ever since I saw you and it continues today. It's like a weight's been lifted from me. Maybe you ground me in some way, if that makes any sense at all. You bring me back to my sense of self. I'm not sure I know how, I'm not sure I can explain it, but thank you.

I know it's a little far away, but I was thinking I'd really like to do something special for your birthday. I don't know what yet, but if you could work it into your schedule to have a free couple of days around that time I promise you I'll make it worth your while... Also did I mention my birthday is near yours? Just in case you'd forgotten. Double the celebration then? And I do promise you cake. Whatever cake you want. You choose.

I'd love to see you between now and then but I know that's too much to expect and to hope for. August isn't long away. Right now all I know is nothing feels better to me than waking up with you in my arms.

I'll leave you with a little poem I've been working on. I can't deny I thought about you when I wrote it. Maybe I'll try and put some chords with it and make it into song lyrics instead and play it to you.

Speak soon baby, 

Xxx  
David 

A woman makes a boy a man  
And she makes a man a king  
I don’t want what’s more than mine  
I just want everything

A man makes a girl a woman  
And he makes a woman a queen  
I kiss the ground you stand upon  
And lay my sword down at your feet

But you’re someone else’s girl  
Someone else’s girl  
Somehow you are  
Someone else’s girl  
I’m gonna make you  
My woman now


	27. June 21, 2012: To David

To: David  
From: Gillian  
June 21, 2012 10:52pm GMT

 

Hey sweetie,

I have to admit, being with you in LA felt just as refreshing to me. I came home feeling energized, almost buzzing, and I still haven't come down. God, those early morning swims with the sun still low and the cool breeze cutting the heat, making love in the water while we watched the sun rise. I need that again...soon.

I love that poem you wrote me. It's beautiful, David. I'm surprised to read that you consider me someone else's girl though, especially when I haven't been with anyone but you for almost a year. Was it just a phrase you used without meaning or is it because I haven't publicly announced that my relationship with Mark has ended? I guess it's probably not a big deal, but I want you to know I'm no one else's girl. :) 

I most definitely think I can spare a few days around our birthdays. Just let me know where to be and when. I already have your gift figured out and I can't wait to give it to you. You're more than deserving, babe.

I guess for now I'll just go to bed and imagine you're beside me, holding me while I tuck into your body. I'll imagine I can hear your heart drumming away against my ear and smell the fresh scent of your skin against my cheek as I drift off.

I already miss you like crazy David.

xxx  
Gillian


	28. June 30, 2012: ConTEXTual Texts

Hey baby how's your Friday so far?

_Just on a very late lunch break. How are you?_

I had some interesting conversations this morning. My neighbours claim they have pictures of us together in the pool from your visit. I don't want you to worry sweetheart I'm taking care of it.

_Your neighbors told you that they took photos of us? Did you ask to see them?_

I did. I said since they were taken without permission I had every right to see them and they'd be hearing from my lawyer. They tell me they'd had interest from various publications.

_I'm shocked they were this honest with you. They must just not give a fuck about being cordial at all...fuck. So your lawyer got in touch with them? You know what we did in the pool David, who knows what photos they have!_

I know baby. It feels like such an invasion of our privacy. That was our time together.

_Fuck David._

Honey please, calm down. I'm sorry I didn't want to tell you this and make you worry but I had to tell you. I have it in hand, my lawyer is sorting it out. They have no rights they didn't ask permission.

_Okay. Keep me posted._

Of course I will. Are you mad at me?

_I'm not mad at you David. Just upset with the situation. Sorry sweetie._

It's okay. I wish you were still here. And I miss you.

_I wish I was still there too. Maybe this time we'll keep our sex to the privacy of your house. ;)_  
_I miss you like crazy. Every day._

Woman I am going to lock you in my bedroom and only let you out for meals.

_Ohhh that's what I like to hear...._

I know what you like baby.

_I'm sitting in a room surrounded by people right now and it's too bad or else I'd have you describe to me how you'll give me all the things I like._

You getting hot baby? As you sit there? Is it warm? You know when your skin gets warm it gets this dewy glow. It's beautiful. I just want to taste it. I want to taste you.

_Well now I am... I'm gonna get you back for this._

You do that baby while you imagine my head between your legs, tongue lapping upwards...

_Okay, I may or may not be making my way to the bathroom. You just keep imagining your head between my legs._

Oh don't you worry I am still imagining. And my fingers tracing up your inner thigh...

_Where are you right now David?_

I'm lying on my bed.

_How about you send me a message when you're at work and I'll tell you then what I'm doing to myself? I need you to suffer in public like I am. It's only fair._

It's a done. Deal.


	29. July 8, 2012: To Gillian

From: David  
To: Gillian  
July 8 2012 07:55am PST

 

Hey sweetheart,

All I can think today as I write this is that a month is a long time to wait to see you, but I know it'll go quickly. I'm working on plans for y(our) birthday to be one we both remember and hopefully for good reasons. 

I'm going to start this email with 'business' so later I can get onto... Pleasure. I had my lawyer pay a visit to those neighbours of mine with a warrant. The pictures have all been handed over to me baby, the cameras, laptops... everything. It's all been wiped. Turns out the threat of a lawsuit for invading our right to privacy frightened them enough. They also paid up for damages and my legal fees. I can assure you sweetheart they will not be bothering us again. In fact I saw removal trucks there yesterday so. I told you I'd deal with it, please trust me when I say we have nothing to worry about.

Okay? Now. Pleasure. Our birthday.

I know you don't much like surprises so I can tell you to fly into LA on August 5th or 6th; just let me know which date works for you and I'll book you tickets. No, I will. No you won't pay, and that is the end of the discussion. It's my birthday treat for you so please let me do this and please don't argue with me.

Bring dresses to wear in the evenings. I want you to wear your favourite one on your birthday. I want to see you in one that shows off your figure. You're so gorgeous I love every smooth curve, every delicate outline of you even if you don't. And if they match your dress, I'd really like you to bring those tall, black peep toe heels of yours.

Bring your drawstring black bikini. You know the one I mean. The one that's barely there. With the triangles that supposedly cover your breasts. Remember how it feels when the fabric's wet, your nipples are chilled and hard and my thumb runs over them? That bikini. I'm hard just thinking about you in it.

You should know panties are entirely optional on this trip and may be removed or ripped suddenly without prior warning. They tend to get in the way of where my tongue wants to taste.

Be prepared to be spoiled and to let me spoil you every single day. If I give you a gift don't say I shouldn't have. Accept flowers and say yes when I offer you coffee in bed.

I can't wait to spend my birthday with you.

Xxx  
David 

And Gillian? Be prepared for me to make you come so hard and so repeatedly you won't be able to see straight.


	30. July 14th 2012: To David

From: Gillian  
To: David  
July 14th 2012 08:15 GMT

David,

Babe. I have to hand it to you, you sure know how to distract a girl from an impending lawsuit. I believe you and I trust you and thank you for dealing with it all. I know it was probably the last thing you needed, but it means a lot to me that you've taken care of things. Thank you.

I don't think I've ever looked forward to a birthday as much as I have this one. I don't know about getting a year older, you're making me feel younger day by day. There's a spring in a step and a twinkle in my eye and that's all you. The way all this is making me feel.

Finishing an email with those kind of promises... Well I've been distracted all day. Distracted and really, really wet for you. Sopping in fact. Soaking.

I think I may have broken the record for bulk purchase of black drawstring bikinis and it's all down to you. I'm positive the global swimwear market will be grateful once again. You did wonders with it when you wore the red speedo ;)

It really is very gracious and generous of you to offer to pay for my flights, but I've bought them already and I land August 5th. I wanted to get to you as soon as I can. It's not that I'm not grateful for your offer... Just... Maybe not yet okay? It's just not very me. I won't labor the point, you know me and you'll know what I mean. 

Of course you can spoil me when I arrive. But you know I don't need flowers. I just need you. And I never say no to coffee in bed. In fact there's nothing I'd say no to in bed from you.

It's not long now. I can't wait to hold you in my arms, to taste your lips, to feel you hard and ready in my hand. Four whole days of birthday bliss, just you and me. I'm all packed and ready to go.

Soon.

Xxx

G


End file.
